Out from hiding

I have decided to come back now that I am starting a fresh cycle. School sort of took over and I am now coming up for air.
We have decided to go forward with a FET cycle. Since Aunt Flo has not graced us with her presence since early July, I was put on Provera. I waited...and waited...and waited. She still was stubborn and didn't visit. So, after multiple progesterone tests showing low levels, they just put me on Estrace. I have been on it since Oct. 1. Since then I have slowly put on the LBs and feel like I am carrying a small inner tube around my waist. The joyous Prometrium and Progesterone injections will start on the 19th. Our little babies will join my thus-far-empty womb on the 24th. Not sure how many we'll thaw (is there a better and less dry word for this??!!) and transfer.

We had an appt. to sign our consent to transfer on Friday. The Type A (A for anxious) person that I am showed up for the appt 10 minutes early. The nurse took us 35 minutes late. I thought the doctors and nurses said it was important for me to stay calm right now. Apparently they were kidding, because they only added to my anxiety by making me wait in a room with a woman having her first PG sono. Nice! DH said I was a bit rude to the nurse who took us. Well, after she mentioned she was on a phone call that went long, I was miffed to say the least. What, she doesn't have the decency to alert us about this? It took 3-5 minutes to sign the paperwork. Sure glad we waited around for that lengthy meeting. Okay...maybe I am hormonal right now....

Another announcement made today

Well, that is two in a month. Two women I know well and must see often have announced their pregnancy. I know being 31 makes it hard to avoid, but I wish I could. So, for the next 6 months, whether at work or at my husband's game, I must watch and hear about pregnancy and babies. I will do what I have learned to do over the past few painful years: smile, be gracious, and act interested without asking questions. Of course inside my head I will be thinking, "Why not me?!?!"

Those darn long cycles

Not that I should have gotten my hopes up, but I guess I did. LMP = July 7,2008. That puts me at day 45 of this cycle. I guess I always hope that (I'll be PG!) I will have a regular 28-30 day cycle again. Where did they go? I think the best I had was a regular 32-34. But shoot - I'll take that again!

So now I sit, awaiting my dearest Aunt Flo, but she refuses to visit me. How rude!

On August 25th I will go in for a progesterone test to see if I (ha ha ha) ovulated. Fat chance. We are shooting for early October for our frozen cycle and elated to have this opportunity. If all else fails, a GC is looking more appealing.

Off to spend the money I have saved on tampons and pads these last few years.... Oh wait, I spent it all on PG tests!

Being sad, trying yet again, and Bradgelina

I have noticed that in the last few weeks I am crying at everything. I really mean everything. I am the epitome of the Hallmark card commercial joke. I cry during So You Think You Can Dance...and not even when someone is voted off! I held in tears during Mama Mia for heavens sake. Hmmm....maybe there is something to this and I am really depressed after our last loss. I feel fine most of the time. I am sad, but fine. But then it just hits me and I lose it. I think I am feeling hurt and embarrassed too, which I am sure does not help.

We met with the doctor this week and she said we owe it to ourselves to try twice more with the frozen, and then call it quits. She said if a women has had 8 eggs inside her and did not become pregnant, chances are she won't. Hello pressure! Is that a steam train on my chest or is it just me??!! So, we will wait a few months before giving it the college try (yet again). At least this time I won't be a giant pin cushion and hopefully not a neurotic mess. In the meantime I plan on enjoying my wine, flexible schedule, and free time.

One comment: What is up with Brad and Angelina doing IVF to "save time". Cause it sounds like so much fun and it made it easier? You have got to be kidding me. Plus, she ruins our statistics of success.

Sorry, I am bitter Betty this evening.

Asking Martha and Oprah for help

Well, I have been thinking it is about time Martha and/or Oprah dedicated an entire show (or segment) to infertility. Oprah had on a 31-year-old teacher that has been trying treatments for three years to no avail. This mimics my life completely: age, job, and TTC time. Though this was a great five minutes, it was FIVE minutes. The poor girl barely got to tell Oprah the things we hate to hear. (i.e. It WILL happen; You still have time; You can always adopt).

So, I sent an email to both media goddesses requesting representation. I think many people think of IVF and think of an older woman whose only problem is aging eggs. As I pointed out, there are plenty of us with unidentified infertility, that are still young. As I hope you agree, we need to be heard, understood, and maybe even studied. (could it be processed food? long-time birth control? something in the water?)

Hopefully they think about it and consider how many women and families they can help by offering this program. Stay tuned!

Bad news

Well, I am not pregnant. We went in today for the HcG test and got the call a few hours later. I was actually feeling pretty confident this time, more so than ever. When thinking about it though I am feeling a bit bloated and irritable today. Oh well..moving on.

The doctor said not to be discouraged because I have so many high quality frozen embryos. She thinks that my estrogen levels may have been too high and compromised the lining in my uterus. Also, I went through so much trauma with the OHSS and had a difficult transfer, so my body may have not been ready or capable. They think we might have a great chance with the frozen. Though of course they have us a 55-60% chance with this past cycle and were all smiles about it. I am not buying too much into this new encouragment.

We will wait a month or two and then mosey down that path. At least there are minimal injections for a frozen cycle. That is a bonus if I must find one.

Thanks to all for your prayers and continued support. It means the world to me.

This waiting business sucks.

I hate the TWW!!!!!

It would make it so much easier if I didn't have the physical reminders of my fate. If only I could go on with my day and keep busy enough that I didn't need to think about what was around the corner. But alas, I have multiple sensations throughout the day, along with the emotional thoughts that are crossing through my brain.

For example, something as simple as a dull cramping has me going all crazy. My doctor said this is normal after OHSS, but could it be my period? Could it be pregnancy? Or the zit that suddenly appeared on my face. Period? Pregnancy? I am going crazy! DH has it so much easier. He might be thinking about it, but doesn't have to second guess his stomach functions.

I am still on the Progesterone in oil and Lovinox injections along with my oral meds. Man that Lovinox shot stings! I just hope it is all worth it in the end.

Still hoping and praying....

And they are in!

Well, we made it to the blast stage and I now have two embryos resting (hopefully comfortably) inside of me.

Here is the update: The morning after surgery I woke up and had gained about 3 pounds. Since I was suffering from OHSS, the doctors wanted to see me the next day to make sure things were alright. We went in on Sunday and I had 7cm of free fluid behind my uterus and my ovaries were HUGE. No wonder I looked like I was in my second trimester. Anyway, they said we need to keep up the salty foods and drinks. She even told me she has done surgery to remove the fluid and taken a gallon of water out of a woman before. OMG! If they should need to do the surgery, we would most likely not do the transfer. So, I ate a ton of french fries, pretzels, and Gatorade. Hmmm...kinda enjoyable.

On Monday I was feeling a bit better, had not gained more weight, but was still looking preggo. We got a call from the doctors and of the 22 embryos that fertilized, 18 were looking good at Day 3. Yippee!

On Day 5 (Wed) the doctors selected the best two and put them in. The process was a bit painful and long, as my uterus is curved and it was difficult to get the catheter inside. Of course having a full bladder did not help make things more comfortable. I was asked to "relieve myself" a bit (that is so hard to control!) and that seemed to do the trick. We watched our multi-celled (one at 100 and the other at almost 80) organisms plop in and hoped for the best. I did go to acupuncture before and after the transfer. If anything it was extremely relaxing as always.

The next morning we got a call that 7 of our other embryos made it to the blast stage and were frozen. The doctor said this was incredible and that she had been hopeful for 4. I guess we made a good lot this time!

I have been on bed rest since Wednesday and have had a bit of cramping. Apparently this is due to my larger than life ovaries bumping up against my uterus and pushing inside me. Of course I am scared, but am trying my best to not think of it.

DH has been amazing and doting on my every need. I have had wonderful friends and family call, email, and drop by with their well wishes and support. Of course these next couple weeks will be difficult, but we are staying positive. Heck, why can't it happen for us??!!

And they are out!

Friday morning we went in for my IVF retrieval. I was way less nervous than last time and things seemed to go a bit smoother. Once I was alert after surgery, the doctor came out with the good news. She took out 30 eggs! I was so excited that I started to cry. Unfortunately I had to get a Hespan infusion and they were concerned about OHSS. I had nausea all day and felt pretty crappy. As the day went on my stomach started to swell up and breathing got a bit harder. The next morning I had already gained 3lbs. I kept up the salty drinks and food, and protein all day. I didn't even eat much all day, but I kept getting bigger and bigger. The doctor called and based on how I was feeling, and with the weight gain, wanted me to come in on Sunday. The good news was that 22 of my eggs fertilized. Thrilling!
We went in this morning and I got weighed again. More weight gain. Ugh! They did an ultrasound and I do have some free fluid behind my uterus, but luckily my ovaries look good. So, we still have to wait and see how things go. More salt for me! They are planning for a day 5 transfer as long as I lose this fluid. I feel huge and like I have lost all muscle tone. I guess this gets me ready for the real deal.
So, Wednesday we go back in again and make some babies!

Make that 37 follicles!!!!

Okay, I thought I was feeling even bigger each day. Today's sono showed 37 (nope, I am not lying), 37 follicles. Imagine shoving those into two almonds. Crazy!
Anyone who has gone through this knows what I mean when I say it is "heavy". Even walking from one side of the house to the other causes this awkward feeling of movement inside me...like I have some weights attached to my intestines or something. Hmmm...wonder if this counts as exercise??!! Again, thank God for loose fitting tops.
So, now I am waiting for the call from my nurse manager to see when they will be taken out. Not sure if I will continue my Follistem and Repronex tonight or not. My guess is one more day. My largest was at 18mm and the smallest around 10mm. Lining was at 9mm+
The fingers are still crossed....

Getting 'em out Friday or Saturday

Well, having 26 foreign objects each larger than 1cm in my ovaries has proven to be a workout. Man, can I feel them! Not only that but the bloating is way worse than any other cycle. I had heard to purchase loose clothing, but never understood why until this week. Saturday I woke up feeling like I had eaten a large pizza by myself. This feeling has not subsides since. Oh well, thank goodness for baby doll tops.
The doctor thinks I will stim for about 2-3 more days and have my retrieval on Friday or Saturday. Good - get those puppies out and fertilized!
Wish me luck!

26 follicles, and I look like a junkie

I went in today for my U/S and they found 26 follicles (the most ever!). The sizes ranged from about 6-10mm. I can only imagine how I will feel a week from now. I am already starting to feel rather full inside and can feel those puppies when I move around. I guess the Elliptical will be out of the question at the gym tomorrow morning.
We are hoping and praying that at least 50% of the follicles have an egg. Last time we were unlucky in this department. At least my meds are staying stable and I am not having to increase dosages. Hopefully this is a good sign.
My blood draw this morning left a huge bruise on my inner arm. Shopping in Neimans today I was embarrassed when a man offered to spray my wrist with perfume and saw the spot. I truly hope he didn't think it was caused by something recreational. Ugh!

Let the injections begin!

Friday morning we starting our injections. I am on 175 of Follistem in the morning, 250 of Follistem mixed with 150 of Menipur in the evening. Adding Dexomethosone and keeping with the Metformin. Of course we throw in some baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins to the mix.
Poor DH has a horrible time giving me the shots. I wish there was a way to keep him out of this part...but I just can't bear to do it myself. I can't even rip off a band-aid!

My belly is already sore and it has only been 36 hours. I'm hoping I continue to feel good like I did the last cycle. But then again, I didn't see a BFP, so maybe feeling bad is better? My mind does crazy things about now. Alas....

Two hours until the next shot. Good times!

Please say three...errr...four's a charm.

This week officially starts my fourth IVF cycle. I went in this morning for my baseline sonogram to start my calendar. There were two follicles there. What the heck??? Where did those come from? Apparently they are nothing and I am told to continue with our schedule. Whatever, as long as we are on track, I am happy. I'll start stim meds on Friday morning. Oh how much husband loves this part.
We will be going with an "antagonist protocol", whatever that means. I've also added Dexo to boost my immunity and will add an injectable blood thinner. Hopefully these new cocktails will be just what I need to become a mommy. Fingers crossed.

Must I say it again....we don't know!

So not only do we deal with people not understanding what it's like, but they don't understand our nasty schedules. So, we are starting our 4th cycle. This process should not be new to anyone in my family. Yet, they can't seem to understand that my life cannot be scheduled right now. Yes, I would love to plan a vacation or outing. Hello people - not an option! Don't they know I have injections to look forward to at 6:30 every morning and evening. Or, that I have a fabulous appointment scheduled to drain me of yet another pint of blood and have a wand inserted into my "good girl". But no, they don't get it. They want an exact surgery date so their lives can be more convenient. Oh, wouldn't that be nice! I understand that the unknown causes problems with their schedule. I guess I should have been more considerate when I CHOSE to not ovulate regularly. I sincerely apologize.