Out from hiding

I have decided to come back now that I am starting a fresh cycle. School sort of took over and I am now coming up for air.
We have decided to go forward with a FET cycle. Since Aunt Flo has not graced us with her presence since early July, I was put on Provera. I waited...and waited...and waited. She still was stubborn and didn't visit. So, after multiple progesterone tests showing low levels, they just put me on Estrace. I have been on it since Oct. 1. Since then I have slowly put on the LBs and feel like I am carrying a small inner tube around my waist. The joyous Prometrium and Progesterone injections will start on the 19th. Our little babies will join my thus-far-empty womb on the 24th. Not sure how many we'll thaw (is there a better and less dry word for this??!!) and transfer.

We had an appt. to sign our consent to transfer on Friday. The Type A (A for anxious) person that I am showed up for the appt 10 minutes early. The nurse took us 35 minutes late. I thought the doctors and nurses said it was important for me to stay calm right now. Apparently they were kidding, because they only added to my anxiety by making me wait in a room with a woman having her first PG sono. Nice! DH said I was a bit rude to the nurse who took us. Well, after she mentioned she was on a phone call that went long, I was miffed to say the least. What, she doesn't have the decency to alert us about this? It took 3-5 minutes to sign the paperwork. Sure glad we waited around for that lengthy meeting. Okay...maybe I am hormonal right now....

Another announcement made today

Well, that is two in a month. Two women I know well and must see often have announced their pregnancy. I know being 31 makes it hard to avoid, but I wish I could. So, for the next 6 months, whether at work or at my husband's game, I must watch and hear about pregnancy and babies. I will do what I have learned to do over the past few painful years: smile, be gracious, and act interested without asking questions. Of course inside my head I will be thinking, "Why not me?!?!"

Those darn long cycles

Not that I should have gotten my hopes up, but I guess I did. LMP = July 7,2008. That puts me at day 45 of this cycle. I guess I always hope that (I'll be PG!) I will have a regular 28-30 day cycle again. Where did they go? I think the best I had was a regular 32-34. But shoot - I'll take that again!

So now I sit, awaiting my dearest Aunt Flo, but she refuses to visit me. How rude!

On August 25th I will go in for a progesterone test to see if I (ha ha ha) ovulated. Fat chance. We are shooting for early October for our frozen cycle and elated to have this opportunity. If all else fails, a GC is looking more appealing.

Off to spend the money I have saved on tampons and pads these last few years.... Oh wait, I spent it all on PG tests!

Being sad, trying yet again, and Bradgelina

I have noticed that in the last few weeks I am crying at everything. I really mean everything. I am the epitome of the Hallmark card commercial joke. I cry during So You Think You Can Dance...and not even when someone is voted off! I held in tears during Mama Mia for heavens sake. Hmmm....maybe there is something to this and I am really depressed after our last loss. I feel fine most of the time. I am sad, but fine. But then it just hits me and I lose it. I think I am feeling hurt and embarrassed too, which I am sure does not help.

We met with the doctor this week and she said we owe it to ourselves to try twice more with the frozen, and then call it quits. She said if a women has had 8 eggs inside her and did not become pregnant, chances are she won't. Hello pressure! Is that a steam train on my chest or is it just me??!! So, we will wait a few months before giving it the college try (yet again). At least this time I won't be a giant pin cushion and hopefully not a neurotic mess. In the meantime I plan on enjoying my wine, flexible schedule, and free time.

One comment: What is up with Brad and Angelina doing IVF to "save time". Cause it sounds like so much fun and it made it easier? You have got to be kidding me. Plus, she ruins our statistics of success.

Sorry, I am bitter Betty this evening.

Asking Martha and Oprah for help

Well, I have been thinking it is about time Martha and/or Oprah dedicated an entire show (or segment) to infertility. Oprah had on a 31-year-old teacher that has been trying treatments for three years to no avail. This mimics my life completely: age, job, and TTC time. Though this was a great five minutes, it was FIVE minutes. The poor girl barely got to tell Oprah the things we hate to hear. (i.e. It WILL happen; You still have time; You can always adopt).

So, I sent an email to both media goddesses requesting representation. I think many people think of IVF and think of an older woman whose only problem is aging eggs. As I pointed out, there are plenty of us with unidentified infertility, that are still young. As I hope you agree, we need to be heard, understood, and maybe even studied. (could it be processed food? long-time birth control? something in the water?)

Hopefully they think about it and consider how many women and families they can help by offering this program. Stay tuned!

Bad news

Well, I am not pregnant. We went in today for the HcG test and got the call a few hours later. I was actually feeling pretty confident this time, more so than ever. When thinking about it though I am feeling a bit bloated and irritable today. Oh well..moving on.

The doctor said not to be discouraged because I have so many high quality frozen embryos. She thinks that my estrogen levels may have been too high and compromised the lining in my uterus. Also, I went through so much trauma with the OHSS and had a difficult transfer, so my body may have not been ready or capable. They think we might have a great chance with the frozen. Though of course they have us a 55-60% chance with this past cycle and were all smiles about it. I am not buying too much into this new encouragment.

We will wait a month or two and then mosey down that path. At least there are minimal injections for a frozen cycle. That is a bonus if I must find one.

Thanks to all for your prayers and continued support. It means the world to me.

This waiting business sucks.

I hate the TWW!!!!!

It would make it so much easier if I didn't have the physical reminders of my fate. If only I could go on with my day and keep busy enough that I didn't need to think about what was around the corner. But alas, I have multiple sensations throughout the day, along with the emotional thoughts that are crossing through my brain.

For example, something as simple as a dull cramping has me going all crazy. My doctor said this is normal after OHSS, but could it be my period? Could it be pregnancy? Or the zit that suddenly appeared on my face. Period? Pregnancy? I am going crazy! DH has it so much easier. He might be thinking about it, but doesn't have to second guess his stomach functions.

I am still on the Progesterone in oil and Lovinox injections along with my oral meds. Man that Lovinox shot stings! I just hope it is all worth it in the end.

Still hoping and praying....